How do you know when it’s time to break up?

We spend countless hours and days drowning in these thoughts.

Running the same pros and cons over and over.

Just to conclude that even in your misery, fear of the unknown makes it worth staying.

I spent 7 months in therapy and took a break with the unforeseen pandemic. But truthfully, it feels as if I’ve been in therapy for 8 months now. For how hard I’ve been working internally, to finally walk towards being the person I want to be--perhaps the person I always was underneath all the hurt.

If you’re considering therapy...I just wanted to share my journey. Because often times, we think we only need therapy if we have diagnosed mental illnesses, or if we’ve had huge life-changing traumatic experiences. We don’t realize, that we carry all sorts of trauma throughout our lives, living without never having dealt with them—but suffering regardless.

We live in a time where we are constantly working on how to better ourselves and the world. And as someone who has a habit of wanting to fix things, wanting to share ideas to lessen the world’s hurt, there is one thing I cannot change, I could never change, now matter how hard I would want to try.

I truly wish I could change the way we died.

We say it all the time but what does it even look like, what does it feel like, and how do we even do it?

As I am getting older, my understanding and experience with self-love and doing inner work deepens, it broadens, and it teaches me everyday. It’s always evolving and for that, self-love and inner work will never be overrated.

And the more I understand about therapy and mental health, the more I realize that even though we have different pain points, narratives, and situations, ultimately many of us seek help because we are struggling to learn how to love and accept ourselves. We no longer know how to cope on auto pilot like we’ve done up until now. We don’t know how to make sense of our lives or the way we are. We’re tired. And the only way out is to dig from within.

I used to think that people only break up because one person was bad--that was the black and white world of young me. Because why would two good people who cared for each other, ever need to give up on each other?  Why be alone, when you could just be together? And if you’re both good, then what could be so bad?

25 years old and two long term relationships later, I’m blessed enough to know that, that is possible. That love and relationships are so complex and so dynamic, that any scenario you could think of and never think of, can happen. 

Over the years, I’ve heard friends and family tell me they didn’t believe in therapy, they didn’t believe in someone who didn’t know them—just talking at them and telling them what to do.

Firstly, a good therapist wouldn’t do those things, but mostly, the right therapist for you would be exactly what you needed and how you needed them. 

So I guess this is my letter to the high school grad wondering what they want to do, to the psychology student ready to give up, and the college grads that aren’t sure where they will fit. And this is a thank you to all our amazing Hmong therapists, who are already out there practicing.