Hmongness & Fear of Losing Your Identity

Since I was young, I’ve always wanted to marry a Hmong man and enter a Hmong family–I’ve never really questioned otherwise. Although many have the misconception that I always wanted to marry someone Korean, due to being able to speak the language. But honestly, that was only coincidental–my mom intentionally raised us with Korean media as she disapproved of American media. So naturally, I picked up the language from age 7.

Currently, my partner happens to be Korean, and this is his 86-year-old grandma, whom we call “Halmoni.” And she and I have this little special relationship.

She often runs to greet me even before she greets him, and always chuckles and apologizes for doing so. And although she doesn’t always go out with us, even if it’s late, she’ll be up waiting for me to come home, just to ask if she can show me her picture albums. To tell me stories of her life, her childhood, marriage, and growing up in the Japanese colonial era.

She isn’t fluent in English, and her grandchildren aren’t fluent in Korean, so she has limited chances to really express herself.

But Korean and Hmong culture are so parallel, so when it’s the two of us, even with a language barrier, there’s a little world that we both enter, and we just get each other.

I lost my grandma last year, and since, I’ve found myself losing part of my identity; the highest form of my “Hmongness” if you will, that only existed with her.

But with Halmoni, I feel as if we both fulfill something for each other that no one else can. I think with each other, we get to be the most Hmong and most Korean we crave to be. And for me, I get to experience the grandma I wish I had.

And I find that to be so fascinating. That we are from two worlds and yet, only when together, those worlds can exist.

I think one of the reasons I always wanted to marry a Hmong man was because I was afraid of losing my identity. But I’ve come to learn that it’s up to a person’s spirit, to choose how they want to love, to be and experience their identity. And how I want to celebrate it and protect it, is up to me. My Hmongness is enough. And I have faith, wherever I go, I will still always be Hmong at my fullest.