What I've Learned About Love at 29

After my first heartbreak at 21, I thought it would be like the movies. Where the good guy always appears after the bad guy, and that if I just got my heartbreak over with, I would finally find true love and be happy.

But I’ve come to learn that there are things in life that you can give your all to, and yet it will still not result in the way you want.

We spend much of our lives searching for answers, trying to get love right. In order to avoid suffering. But I’m starting to think that love was never meant to have a universal meaning. It was never meant to have a guide or manual that would fit everyone. Maybe it was meant to look different for all of us. To allow a version of love to unfold between people that could only exist because it was them. To let it ebb and flow and change over time. 

So I guess I can share what I’ve learned about love thus far, at age 29. Knowing that at 39, what I know it to be will be different. 

I always heard that love was hard work. But I spent most of my 20’s misunderstanding that. I thought constant excruciating pain was “hard work.” I thought choosing someone who didn’t value me was “hard work.” I thought asking for bare minimum was “hard work.” 

I wish I knew that hard work is when you are both giving it your best, but you struggle because your natural differences inevitably clash. That it’s having to re-parent yourself, to restrain from reacting in unhealthy behaviors when you’re hurt, and choosing healthier responses to say what it is that you really mean; what it is that you really need. And that it requires you to sit with yourself, to get clear on what it is that you really fear. It’s the challenge of staying grounded in the discomfort of a trigger. The challenge of understanding someone else’s reality.

They say that when you know, you know. But that isn’t so for me. But I do think, when you feel, you will really feel. I’m not talking about the highs of love, the butterflies, love at first sight–feel. I’m talking about when you feel the peace. When you feel the ease. When you feel the simplicity. 

When you feel the genuine friendship, the fun, the laughter aching in your tummy. But very much so, when you feel the mutual pain, the agony. The defeat when you both just want to be happy. The late night fatigue. And the heart-resting hug knowing you have yet to solve anything. The conscious efforts of your partner trying. 

Many of us are in search of the “one,” the love of our life. But I started finding more comfort in looking for the one, the love of this chapter. The one I might not be sure of where we’re going and for how long, but that they fit and add so much to the current version of my life. I try to think of my life as a train track, one that I have to travel on alone, but people get on and off as I go. My journey continues with or without these people, but I still have their company for as far and long as they can go.

I really thought when I found the right person, it would heal everything for me. But it’s clear to me that you can find the greatest love of all, and still have to sit with yourself at the end of the day, to do the hardest thing that we all hate to do; to heal and give yourself love from within. 

So whether you’re in a relationship or not, your job is the same. To love, heal, know, and take care of yourself. 

And you may just be surprised at what you find. That the greatest love of all, was here all along.