The Truth About Being "Toxic"
Toxicity, something our Hmong refugee parents have never had the luxury to reflect on, learn, and teach us. For their generation’s assignment was survival and rehoming.
As I have been diving deep into my own mental health journey of healing in the midst of a global pandemic…I have come to realize just how much more complex and human “toxicity” is than it is credited to be in self-help blogs and Instagram feeds.
And just how easily the word “toxic” is thrown around as a means to stay clear of someone, blame someone, or make sense of pain.
I used to think that toxicity was a person; that a person was all toxic or all good. I’ve realized that we are not toxic--we have toxic habits and behaviors, we all do. And ending someone’s story by making sense of them with one word, “toxic,” robs us of the opportunity to learn the truth of being human--the complexity of its layers and depth. Because we are human, we all have been hurt. And as they say hurt people, unhealed people, hurt people. We have all been touched by trauma in some way shape or form. Some toxicity is silent, some is loud. Some is what we do to ourselves, and some is what we do to others. And then there are a number of people, who have completely let the toxic parts overrule them and how they choose to show up in the world.
We were not born toxic. We acquired toxic behaviors as reactions to things that have happened to us.
These things become trauma recorded into our bodies. Through therapy and reading, I’ve learned that trauma can even alter our DNA. Let that sink in. Traumatic experiences can change who we biologically are, at any given point in our life that we may experience something so scarring. Trauma influences how we show up in the world; how we perceive it, what we are afraid of, and what we need in order to feel safe. Even if not logical.
And simultaneously with the things that have directly happened to us, we are also embedded with the trauma that our parents, grandparents and all the ancestors before us have never healed (Intergenerational Trauma). Remnants of their childhood abuse, negligent or absent parents, poverty, discrimination, war--all passed down into our bodies without us having been there.
Contributing to mental illnesses and mental health struggles that develop.
So when we are satisfied with just the word “toxic,” we miss all these factors. Because once we are the “toxic ones,” we won’t be able to see past its shame to really address the core and heal.
Toxic habits and behaviors are the very symptoms of our trauma. They are the red alerts, the pain points, painting the road map to all the places we each still need healing, growth, and overcoming
We have all been toxic, we have all been hurt by toxic. Because no one on earth is given a manual to being a perfect human; a perfect partner, a perfect family member, or friend. And yet we are all here coexisting, crossing paths with one another, leaving our imprints within each other--while all on our own internal timelines and battles.
So I’ve been careful of using the label “toxic.” Because “toxic” doesn’t leave room for growth. It either weighs us down with shame, or excuses us of the need to self-reflect and be accountable.
The difference between toxic and healthy is not perfection--it’s consciousness, self-awareness, and the commitment to change.
Something I thought I knew, but I didn’t.
And so, I want to practice using the word “unconscious.” Because I know the people who’ve hurt me, did not always mean it or were not always aware. They were unconscious. They projected their internal pain onto me. And I’ve never lived my life with the intention of hurting others, and yet I have. Because I truly was unconscious--too busy living in fear of being hurt that I didn’t really live at all. I sabotaged everything, thinking I was protecting myself, but in the end, I’ve learned that I have hurt the very people I love, and in turn I have hurt me the most.
"Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better." -Maya Angelou
As I move into my conscious self, I truly realize, just how much I don’t know anything about life, and how much I’ve never known about myself.
And I am working each day to accept life as it is, and to let each day, teach me what it needs me to know--to run with it and grow. And that even in this moment, I am whole and worthy as I am. We all are. And that healing isn’t a destination, it is a lifetime’s commitment to managing my autopilot behavior, so I can live as my best self. So I can really see my true self underneath all the unhelpful conditioning.
All our strengths have weaknesses, all our toxic behaviors stem from roots of pain. And in those very roots, are also the key and opportunity for healing and transformation.
Healing your toxic parts is hard--hard would be an understatement. It’s overbearing, it’s scary, it’s lonely, and it can hurt more than your trauma itself. Ironically, my healing journey has led me to darker places than I’ve ever known, to places I never wanted to take myself to. But when you hang in there, it has also allowed me to experience life at a fuller capacity; to have deeper compassion and forgiveness for myself--and to learn how to have compassion and forgiveness for others. To free myself and allow myself to be happy even in the midst of pain. To give myself permission to stay and exist here.
Seeing people through the lens of their trauma from a non-judgmental place, can allow you to depersonalize their actions, and very much understand how they are just acting in their patterns and symptoms of fear. And at the same time, it may not be within your capacity to understand theirs, but rather to understand yours. You will be able to shed the stories you’ve told yourself, and truly see life in a different light. You will realize, your parents were individuals, imperfect humans, and hurt children before you ever existed. You will learn to understand your friends, your partner, past partners; people who have impacted you--all as mere humans trying to figure it out; who have been hurt, are suffering, trying to free themselves of pain and find happiness and love in the ways they know how.
So if you are suffering, if you are in the midst of awakening, and you find yourself drowning in shame and self-loathing, finding comfort in hurtful familiar places, or wanting to erase your place in this world entirely…
I beg of you to hold on.
A life beyond internal suffering--is possible. A life lived through the spirit and not the ego, is possible. We just have to have faith, and do the inner work to put in new variables into the equation to get new results.
I pray that you will find healing through Compassion, Courage, Reflection, Forgiveness, and commitment to making daily promises to yourself.
You can be hurt and hurting others.
You can be a good person and make mistakes.
You can progress and have more to learn.
You can have more to go and still be whole and worthy of love even as you are now.
”When a lobster is attaining a new shell, it is one of the most challenging, stressful times in its life. It sits helpless on the ocean floor, completely vulnerable to being eaten, hurt, as it has no shell. It can take weeks. When you see lobsters in captivity and their shell are gray, this is is what is happening to them. It is a horrible experience for them however if they do not leave their old shell they will die.”
Some places to start with learning about trauma:
https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/0143127748
https://risingwoman.com/seven-books-for-healing-trauma/