What My Family Taught Me About Love

***I want to note that this piece does not apply to abusive & harmful homes but only speaks on my own family life and experience.

I have always wondered what true love would look like--what it would feel like. Real love, one that survives reality and is not based on fairytales and honeymoon phases. 

I have been stumped in a dead-end every time. I could never find the answers or picture it.

It wasn’t until a recent epiphany, that I had realized I had been living in it all my life. Not in an ungrateful sense, and not in a boasting sense, but more-so, realizing that my familial love had been teaching me and exemplifying true love all along. 

If you know my family, you’ll see our pictures and videos, and maybe you will think we are too extra, and maybe you will think we are picture perfect.

You see a lot of our laughter, our happy moments.

And the truth is, that although those moments are certainly real, we truly fought through so many ugly days and moments to be the family that we are today.

We don’t display those to paint a false picture that we have it all together, we share them because they are our most cherished moments.

Like every family, we have gone through the depths of hell, and our darkest days.

And through that, our love has grown immensely over the years, it has evolved. We have evolved, not just as individuals, but as members, and as a whole family. 

There were a number of years in our childhood--that my father’s own darkness left its prints on us.

There was also a period of 3 years--that we all were not on speaking terms. Home was hell, it was cold and hostile. Our silence roared volumes of hurt, resentment, and misery.

There was another 2 years that my sister and I indefinitely decided to live without one another.

There were many more moments after that shattered us as a family, to the ground. To places I never thought we could ever return from.

In all of these moments, I never thought we would survive. 

But because of all these moments, I have learned what true love really consists of, what it feels like, and what it is. 

They have taught me that true love is not an emotion. It is a decision to consciously choose and love each other every single day, every moment, even when it’s impossible. And that when the ugliness subsides, we will always come back with more love. 

They taught me that a hurt person hurts people. That in someone’s rage and defense, there is loneliness and there is pain. That it’s easier if we come from a place of understanding. 

They taught me what it’s like to love as a team. What it’s like to take responsibility for our own actions, and to hold one another accountable for their part, to individually grow to the next level, together. 

That growth requires new versions of all of us. That better love, requires us to face ourselves, face our fears, to dig down and change what is no longer working, so that we can be stronger and more fitting for each of our current needs.

That there is no use for blame, but only honesty and accountability for what we each contribute.

They taught me that with compromise and will, we can learn to heal and unlearn toxicity. That we all have toxic habits and behaviors. Some are toxic outwardly, some are toxic inwardly. Some are toxic in what they say, some are toxic in what they aren’t saying. It takes a lot of patience, self-discipline, compassion, and a team effort. For me to help you heal you, for you to help me heal me, so we can heal together.

They taught me that we can only love if we forgive, and we can only forgive if we love. That it is a necessity. And that forgiveness doesn't just happen once. It will be needed everyday--wholeheartedly. To forgive ourselves, so we can forgive others. 

They taught me that love needs safety and reliability. And for that, it needs respect. That no matter how bad our days can be at home, we will continue to protect each other out in the world. That our problems are our own to fix, that our hardships, our mistakes, our hurt, stays among us. That in this home, we will make mistakes, but we will have the safety and opportunity to learn and fix them without having the world judge us at our worst. That we will still let one another show up as our best selves in the world as we each deserve to be. Because home is where we will have each other’s backs, to be the ones to check one another, to be the place to fall and try again. Because we are the only ones who truly know and believe in one another.

They taught me that love cannot be controlling. We want to control others because it’s what we think is best, or so that we won’t get hurt. But we have to let the people we love, make decisions to be who they are, to make mistakes, to get hurt, so they can hopefully learn and grow. And in it all, we have to trust that they will come back to us. All we can do--is love them, focus on ourselves, lead by example, and be here when they need us. 

And all of this...is slowly defining what love is to me. What love I would be accepting of. Love that makes you and I family. 

I have yet to experience nor embody true love in a partnership, but I have been learning it, I am practicing, and I am expanding my capacity for it everyday. And although I may not know what it will look like in the future for me, I would hope that it would feel a bit like my family. That it would make sense to me, it would be clear, and it would fit just right. 

And I would hope I could bring the right person into my flamboyant family, that wouldn’t be too quick to judge, and could understand our love for fun, our fear of death that drives us to live each moment intentionally, and our care for others. 

And even if that love never comes, the Universe gifted me with a fulfilling love I could never replace. And that is already the biggest blessing I was much too lucky to have been born with. 

Even if your love doesn’t look the same, or isn’t your family, I think the Universe gifts each of us a special love in our life in some shape or form, and that is worth living for.