A Year of Being Single

I love celebrating holidays and achievements, and after being a girlfriend for 5 years of my adult life, I think I started getting really caught up on anniversaries. Almost as if somewhere along the way, I started believing that having an anniversary to celebrate, meant it was another year I was chosen, another year I was still someone’s person, another year I didn’t have to be alone.

But I realize we don’t often celebrate being on our own, especially after being in relationships. We don’t celebrate it as a new chapter like we do marriage, even though it really is. If anything, I realize it is now the most important chapter I could’ve had, but almost missed. 

I am so blessed to have had a full year to myself. This week marks that year. The first year I spent as a single woman since 17, and as a whole person for the first time in my life.

The first year, intentionally committed to myself; to healing, growing, and evolving. 

Moving on and healing, looks different for everyone. And as much as I wanted to deny it, I knew deep inside, my next assignment was to learn how to truly be alone. To define life for myself without the validation of a partner or friends. To challenge what I knew and thought of the world, and form my own truths apart from my parents’ influences. I didn’t know how, but I just knew I had to. Because my heart couldn’t handle another round of relearning lessons. 

This time, I vowed I would take all the time I needed. I loved so deeply, and it only made sense that it would take me so much longer to heal. My only rule was that I would take full responsibility for myself. 

I always dreamed of a partner to learn from, so I started diving into books and podcasts. I wanted a partner to workout with, so I got a fitness trainer. I wanted someone to grow with and confide in and got a life coach and a therapist. When I did well, I celebrated and thanked myself for my characteristics and qualities that got me there. When I made a mistake, I apologized, knowing I was still worthy and deserving, but I just didn’t know better and now I do.

I wanted someone who would know me deeply to my soul, honor my values and love my mind. I realized I was asking a whole other being as complex as they are, to know and understand the universe within me, that I didn’t even know myself.

So I started dating myself, and giving the energy I would give into my partner, into me. I wanted to know what genuinely sparked my joy, what made me laugh, what bothered me, and what I was afraid of. I wanted to know how to make me feel loved and how to love the people I loved.

I started being that person for me. I started buying her gifts, writing letters to her, encouraging her when she was unsure of herself, forgiving her when she made poor decisions, and celebrating her when she was brave and challenged herself. I took her on solo adventures when she needed some air. I stood up for her when people mistreated her. I let her confide in me when no one else was there. I let her know she was enough, and all I needed was for her to be her. 

And the door to my whole self opened for me. So many things I started learning about myself.

I started learning that I was terrified of being “bad,” because bad meant “unlovable” to me and unlovable meant “alone.” And that’s why I lived my life obsessed with being “perfect” and projecting that onto people. I learned that my fear of being bad, is proof of me already being good enough. I’m already enough. 

I learned how to say no, kindly and firmly, when I didn’t have the capacity or interest to do something. I learned how to acknowledge other people’s realities and pain. I learned how we’re really all the same. And understanding others, is parallel to me understanding myself. I learned that I can only control myself, and that my mindset was 80% of my experiences. I learned how to look at my flaws in the eye and still say I love you. 

I learned that I have the humor of a 5 year old. That I can be really loud and yet appear quiet. I like self-help books but I don’t enjoy fiction. I wouldn’t last a second watching a horror movie but I’m practicing with zombie films. I literally cannot understand road directions for the life of me. I have a complex mind but I’m ditzy and random with a dash of spice. I’m quite insecure and yet have no problem on stage. I cry easily, and dramatically. I love taking photos and videos. I like dressing up, and yet I’m frugal. I am an extroverted introvert. I love the ocean but I’m too scared to swim in it. I have a sensitive stomach, and am actually lactose intolerant. I like going on long drives and walks. I need to exercise, write, and be creative regularly. And I learned that I’ve always been chronically lonely. 

And most of all, I learned that I truly can do anything I put my mind to. Even diving into the very thing I feared most; being alone. And that I’m whole, wonderful, and worthy, every step of the way.

Learning to be alone, is very much like learning how to ride a bike. You wobble, you fall, you get scraped and bruised, but you get back up. And with much practice, you just start getting the hang of it.

I was really scared for this month to roll around again--that I would be the same broken hearted person I was last year.

I worked so hard to get here. But I finally am. I’m finally truly stable and comfortable with myself for the first time, in my life.  And even though opportunities for love have knocked on my door, I just really wanted to stay here for a little while longer. To spend a little more time with me. To make sure I am secure in myself. To enjoy myself and be all that I am. To really get the hang of taking care of myself. Because that is the kindest thing I can do for my future partner and anyone crossing paths with me.

I found my own color now, and I’m hoping to shine in that color as much as I can. I’m going to take up space, a lot of space, enough to my heart’s desire. 

I’m not looking for love, I’m letting it in. 

From so many corners of my life; from my family, my friends, my readers, strangers, and most of all myself. I’m so full, daily. Simply because I finally stood still enough to just feel it; and to just let people love me. As I am. And to believe it.

And even if no one knows my story, I celebrate me today.

For all the times I wanted to give up, all the times I was going to throw me away, for all the times I acted out of survival, for loving me inside and out, for giving myself permission to finally live life the way I dream it to be, and to finally be the person I really am.

For finally being happy. For finally making sense of life. And for being right where I’m meant to be.

Happy 1 Year Anniversary, Nakita.