What I Wish I Knew About Relationships

I’ve done a lot of reflection and learning on relationships in the past year. Probably because I wasn’t so sure why I had been seeking one anymore and what it meant for me. I’ve come to realize that even as deeply broken as I’ve been, that I’ve never properly loved or been loved. And all that I knew of “love” was just based on movies, what I had seen growing up, or on social media. And that much of our experiences isn’t anyone’s fault, because we are human, so young in retrospect to the universe. It is impossible to expect us to know everything from the start. Yet, at times I can’t believe I was ever in a relationship. I can’t believe how much I didn’t know, because I truly thought I knew love best. But I realize, I didn’t know it at all and I am starting from scratch and redefining it.

Here are some lessons I’ve collected over time and hope to come back to one day to see how much more I’ve grown:

1. We don’t realize how often we subconsciously date to run away, cope, or distract from ourselves.
   Yet dating is the very place where all our traumas come to the surface. People pleasing, blaming, manipulating, over-giving, controlling, holding onto what no longer serves us--all tactics to avoid having to look inwards and deal with what’s going on inside.

2. Dating is either a battlefield or a learning-field.
   You either learn and grow here, or you become more toxic.  

3. Knowing healthy relationship terms and concepts is only half the job.
   The game changer is being able to comprehend, demonstrate, commit and practice daily. We can read all the books and listen to all the podcasts, and there’s still something that only time and experiences can make click for us.

4. Know and name your boundaries, then know and respect your partner’s.
   I truly never understood this. I realize that what is uncomfortable for me, might not make sense to you, and what is uncomfortable to you, might not make sense to me. And the responsibility of loving one another, means we will get both our needs met, respectfully by maneuvering around these.

5. Know your love language, and communicate it with examples. Know and execute your partner’s.
   Love languages are truly the recipe to loving a specific person. And just like boundaries, what is special to me, might not be special to you and vice versa. I never knew I was just loving people the way I wanted to be loved, and not the way they wanted to be loved. You have to speak their language, for them to understand and feel it.

6. Know your attachment style, take responsibility for it and know your partner’s.
   I am such a believer of this theory and that it makes up our core and how we operate in the world. Understanding that I had a severe anxious attachment, made me realize how much of what I thought was love, wasn’t love. My codependency wasn’t love, being so insecure and acting out of insecurity wasn’t love. Attaching so easily, so strongly, and so early, was not love. I wish I knew what I needed, and what my partner needed to feel connected. And I wish I understood how much I was sabotaging my own needs and relationship.

7. The biggest blockage to feeling and giving true love, is our conditioning.
   What are our biggest fears, and how much are we letting them control how we act or don’t act. What are the traumas we have experienced up to this point, and how are we letting them be the lens we are seeing our partners through. Sometimes, we do not really spend the time we have in our relationships getting to know one another truly, and more so, what we perceive of them based on our life experiences and what we want.

8. Never assume, and be more curious.
   Instead of assuming what an action means about them, ask what they were intending and be open to a different reality. They probably made a decision that made the most sense to them and their understanding. The more assumptions we let build up about one another, the farther we get pulled apart from really connecting to each other’s true selves. 

9. You can have good and valid intentions, yet poor execution.
   Looking back, I always had good intentions for my partners. The problem was, I didn’t have the right words, timing, tone, and emotions to convey them in a neutral, safe, or kind way. Execution makes all the difference because it is the imprint that stays.

10.  Be kind, say exactly what you mean, self-soothe, apologize and pause more often.
    I genuinely thought stonewalling or avoiding tough topics was me pausing or being thoughtful and not adding fuel to the fire. I realize just how much miscommunication and unpleasant feelings that brings. I thought arguing often and letting the heat of the moment get to me, was just part of life. I thought apologizing meant invalidating my own pain. Truth is, no matter how much time or blood you share with loved ones, don’t get too comfortable. Always be kind and always show up as your best. It’s never fun on the receiving end.

11.  Codependency is not love.
    This was mind blowing to me. Learning that relationships need a balance of independence and interdependence and what that looked like. And how much I kept enmeshing myself and losing who I was--the person they even admired in the first place.

12.  We choose people out of fear, more than we do out of love.
    I can’t believe how much I loved just so I could be chosen and validated as worthy. And not so much to genuinely love the person for who they are.

13.  Dating is not marriage.
    This was so hard for me to wrap my head around. That there are so many stages of dating. For me, dating just meant a one way ticket to marriage and I would plan my life out with them before I even knew if we were compatible. I now understand, the kind and respectful thing to do for both parties, is to be clear, to take time, and to be honest and discerning. And that rejection is a time saver.

14.  The relationship you have with yourself will be similar to what you have with others.
    Can you give yourself patience, forgiveness, compassion and understanding? Can you choose you and respect yourself everyday? Can you sit with yourself during hard and confusing emotions? Can you appreciate and trust yourself?

15.  The reason we sabotage ourselves and relationships, is because we don’t believe our needs are going to be met.
    Trust. Because even if a person doesn’t meet your needs, you will and you can.

16.  I rather be the person who loved with their all, than the one who hurt the other.
    I feel like I’ve been both now. And I know when love comes knocking again, I rather give it my all, than withhold because I was too afraid. I rather live knowing I did everything I could, and it just was not what they needed.

17.  Everyone is trying their best.
    At the core of our decisions, often sits fears and what we need in order to feel safe. Even our mistakes are made from what we think is best for us at that time. Sometimes the right match means finding the person who has learned the lessons and done the inner work that is compatible to yours at the current moment.

18.  Sometimes you can’t learn the lessons until you’re out of the relationship.
    Because there was too much comfort to grow and too little safety to truly heal.

19.  A healthy relationship is how well each individual can manage themselves, so they have the safe space to build together.
    You, yourself are a whole universe of complexities; triggers, mental health, needs, fears, and conditioning. The best thing we can do for the people we love and the world, is to take care and understand ourselves so we can create better experiences with others.

20.  You are whole and worthy, with or without this relationship.
    I mean it. I truly do. And you are going to be more than okay.