To the Men Who Broke the Woman Who Just Loved Loving You.
How do I say this in a way that you will hear me? Hear me pleading for the Hmong women who didn’t know better and could only do the best they could to love you. How can I say it in a way that doesn’t coddle and cushion what you did and have no interest to care for? Because I want to speak for her, who binned by society's dead ends, cannot say so herself.
To the Angels that were taken from Heaven: My Hmong Women.
To heal through my breakup, I did a variety of research; to dismantle my experience and understand a world outside mine. One of them, was to learn of heartbreaks other than mine, to see amazing people survive out of these dark times. Dark times that were even darker than mine; because someone will always have it worse. I found my way to befriending Hmong women of all ages, of all stories. Stories that were always sad and pitiful, until after my heartbreak, were now heart-shattering, gut-wrenching, and real. So painfully real. Although my words won't do them justice, may I please write this one for them.
I Forgive Myself.
"In order to heal, we must first forgive...and sometimes the person we must forgive...is ourselves." -Mila Bron To let go of the past and move on, is to be able to forgive all that has been done. To start a fresh, new year, a lot of letting go must be done. So here goes.
I forgive myself this year.
I forgive myself for being responsible in breaking my own heart.
If I Was the One to Leave First
Sometimes, when someone you love leaves, trauma makes you only remember the good things. The perfect, rose-colored glass picture. And somehow the blame can only hover over you. But it's never that way (in most cases). It always takes two. Sometimes, we have to be honest with ourselves. After the storm has calmed, to do our best to remember if we were truly happy. Because if you find yourself trapped in a dark place filled with endless reasons why you are unlovable, I need you to do this to save yourself.
Resetting When the One You Love Leaves
It is almost safe to say that ever since you left, I have been sick for so many days and I have cried almost every of those days. Even if the heart & mind wants to forget, the body always remembers. The trauma that is left upon it. I guess you can also say that is my body resetting. Reclaiming what is mine. Like how a chiropractor may leave your body aching even more after resetting your joints and muscles. Because you don’t realize the gradual damage that has been done to it. Now it’s time to reset it again.
