What I Wish Teens Knew About Dating Older Men

I know every relationship and situation is different. I know different things work for different people. I know both sides of a relationship are not perfect. But I also know how big of a difference Nakita at 15 was, from Nakita at 19, and even Nakita at 21.

So I write this, hoping it would reach a younger me out there somewhere too. 

To the older men dating a teen, more than shaming, this would be my deepest plea:

To know the power of the influence you have on her and how that could change her life forever. 

And that is also my biggest fear—that that is precisely what you know and you know it well. 

You are not her savior and the most heroic thing you can do is to stand aside and let her grow at her own pace at her fullest capacity without the influence of you.

Whether you choose to love her in her twenties is up to you, but until then, I pray you just let her be.

I ask you to question yourself, the need to choose a partner who has yet to even fully develop themselves; to understand their own emotions and own thoughts. And to imagine your daughter or sister walking in the same shoes. 

The amount of older men who have approached me in my twenties and disappointed to find that I was older than what they were hoping for--is an experience I will never understand. 

And to the teen girls dating older men, how badly I could beg you to choose differently.

How beautiful this love must feel and the security of having someone on your team.

But I cannot tell you enough, the beauty you will discover having watered your own growth. Blossoming on your own in your own time and pace. Supported by all of your own efforts.

I cannot tell you enough how big of a difference there is even between a 17 year old and 20 year old. 

And I cannot tell you enough, how 6 years later and three relationships down, am I just starting to truly heal, and see and realize all that happened to me; all that I actually put myself through, how much I naively trusted someone, and just how incredibly much they influenced me, shaping and building the walls to my whole world. How many memories I now live with that I wish I never had. How much I never understood what was actually happening to me at that time and how extremely terrifying it is to be an adult and look back and realize what I had escaped. 

To imagine what kind of life I would be living if it had “worked out.” 

I cannot tell you enough how fast you should run, run towards your dreams and goals and the horizons you have yet to see and discover about yourself. 

How much life there is outside of relationships and how many people you will be able to meet later on. How much there isn’t “the one and only one” for you. That love is not scarce and it is everywhere and the best and most sustaining one is the one you build from within. 

I cannot tell you enough the things I did and gave up and dreams and opportunities I sacrificed just to be with one person who ended up casting me aside. The friends and family I unknowingly betrayed, the controversial image I unknowingly took on, just because I trusted someone so much to follow their lead. To believe in everything they say. 

I cannot tell you enough how much I know I may sound pessimistic and crazy to you, like I don’t know and understand you and like I don’t know him like you do, but I do. 

I was you. And it took every fiber of my being to keep myself alive, to heal, to wake up, and to finally be here to say, go. Let go. Trust. Trust in the world and yourself. 

To be so young, it will be so hard to tell what are mere crumbs and what is whole and healthy love. It will be so hard to tell how each of you contribute to a toxic dynamic. It will be so hard to tell when flowers and gifts really mean affection or just a distraction covering up a red flag. 

I know so many would just say that the girl just needs to be smarter, she needs to do better, I know. But being young and vulnerable and naive has nothing to do with intelligence.

But it has everything to do with life experiences, a developed sense of self and knowledge—something that older age would have. 

A decade later from age 17, I wake up from what feels like the longest nightmare. Something I would never wish upon anyone.  And I just wish I would never have to see it happen to others. But we can each only control ourselves, and we only know what we know at this moment. We can’t be protected from all things and we sometimes have to go through it to learn it.

But I would just hope you won’t learn for too long—that you could wake up sooner than I did. 

That you could meet your best self and that you could spread your wings freely and limitlessly. In all the ways that you always deserved. He, nor anyone, will ever be your savior. Because the only person who can save you, is you.